Do You Have a Big BUT?

Have you noticed that most people have big “BUTS”? I’m not talking about physically, I’m talking about the word “BUT”.  This powerful little word shows up in both casual and intentional conversations. In the workplace, we hear it in feedback conversations, excuses and apologies.

I’ve made this conversational mistake too many times. In a poor attempt to give feedback to a teammate for overdue project deliverables, I made the mistake of saying, “I’m glad you’re on this team, BUT, you don’t do what’s needed for this project.” OOPS

How would you feel if you received those words?

Most likely, you would feel defensive and attacked. In this situation, the professional relationship got worse and the project continued to be challenging.

Here’s what happened, when I said the word “BUT”, all the words prior were negated. Her brain only heard, “You don’t do what’s needed…”

Using the word “BUT” can sound like this, “I’m sorry I blew up in the meeting, BUT you made me mad.” Even when used in response to feedback or making an apology, it sounds as if you are placing blame.

GOOD NEWS- there is a better way.

Here’s what I advise my clients to do…be conversationally intelligent with these simple, yet powerful changes:

1.     Exchange the word “BUT” with “AND”. What would it feel like to hear these words instead? “I’m glad you’re on this team AND when you help us meet our goals, it makes a significant difference.”

2.     Don’t make excuses or place blame. Remove the word “BUT” from your vocabulary all together. It’s critical to take ownership of mistakes and to communicate your plan to do things differently from now on. For example, “I’m sorry I blew up in the meeting, that was my mistake. The next time I feel anger starting, I’ll step out of the room.”

Your words matter. You can use them to cause resistance or create trust. Try shrinking the size of your “BUT” with these conversationally intelligent changes. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most powerful. Let me know if this helps.

We met Ruby, who was the lead dog even though she was the smallest. She was chosen as the leader because of her ability to stay focused, be responsive, set the pace and gets along well with the all of the other dogs. Gallagher, the co-leader was chosen for his drive and enthusiasm. We found Whalen, the largest and strongest dog, at the back of the sled team. He was placed there because of his positive attitude, loyalty and power. Under Emily’s direction, this seemingly mismatched team with the strongest in the back and the smallest in the front, worked very well together. They were all focused on the finish line, pulling together in one direction, and cooperating with great ease and excitement.

As I recall the experience, it occurred to me how much we as leaders can learn from this insightful leader. Pulling together and pulling in the same direction is critical not only when the terrain is easy, but when the path ahead is filled with storms, uncertainties, risks and adversity.

Here is what I learned from Emily and her sled dog team:

1. Choose leaders and team members based on their character qualities and natural strengths. 

Look for focus, drive, ability to work with others, and a positive can-do attitude. A carefully selected team will help motivate one another to work hard.

2. Lead from the back.

Even though Whalen was influencing the team from the back with his strength, power and enthusiasm, the real powerhouse here was Emily. From her position, she could see the horizon and be sure the team was working seamlessly to achieve what matters most.

3. Equip your team.

Providing work – life balance to help restore and refresh team members creates space for innovative solutions and quicker results. Leadership coaching and workshops to discover individual talents and strengths such as the GALLUP StrengthsFinder assessment is a great first step.

4. Job well done - Gratitude and Recognition

A sled dog is often rewarded for a job well done with scratches behind the ears, pats on the head and lots of ATTA- BOYS! Humans also enjoy and even thrive with appreciation. Notice and compliment the character qualities of your team members as often as possible. This shows you are paying attention and helps them appreciate being a part of a winning team.

As a certified StrengthsFinder Facilitator for Individuals, Managers and Teams, I often coach and train groups that aren’t all pulling in the same direction.  If you’d like to become a more insightful leader and bring out the best in your team, let’s talk.

Heidi Sadecky is a highly-trained executive coach with over 35 years of combined corporate and coaching experience. She helps her clients operate at a higher level, overcome workplace challenges and achieve measurable results.

She is an in-demand facilitator of the only Townsend Leadership Program in the North East United States.

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