Resolving Leader Guilt
By Heidi Sadecky, MA,PCC – Executive Coach & Director, Townsend Leadership Program
Over the past couple of months, a number of my clients have shared they are struggling with guilt in their leadership. While they are talking about it now, they have struggled with guilt feelings for their entire career, and it’s impacting their decisions.
Today’s leaders feel guilty about so many things. A surprising number of executives struggle with guilt. In my leadership conversations, I often hear comments like this:
I feel bad because I’m not always in the office.
It worries me that I’m not helping my direct reports more.
I wish I didn’t have to let an employee go.
Delegating always makes me feel guilty.
It’s very difficult for a leader to direct their team in the best possible strategically effective way if they struggle with guilt.
As a leader, I also struggle with guilt. I remember one particularly tough situation. An important inventory decision had to be made, and my colleague was unreachable. After several attempts to contact her, I made the decision on my own. Upon her return to the office the next week, she was frustrated and angry. Even though I went above and beyond to reach her and made the right decision, I was overcome with guilt. Did I do something wrong? Could I have tried harder? Those are the thoughts that stayed with me for a long time after that situation was resolved.
Guilt is a self-attack, and it comes with the self-talk, “I did something wrong,” and left unaddressed can lead to shame (I am bad), defensiveness, misplaced aggression, risk avoidance, depression, and anxiety. It can significantly distort one's view and thinking. Let’s face it; guilt impacts how you lead.
When you encounter guilt, here’s my advice:
Tell a trusted friend how you’re feeling. Admitting that you feel guilty is a good first step, and it’s important to receive their encouragement.
Give up perfection and accept being good enough. This is tough when too much of our identity is wrapped up in achievements and status.
When your inner critic speaks, notice how harsh it is. Ask yourself what a kind friend would say instead. For example, instead of, “You’re so selfish and hurtful to people.” say, “You’re for this team and taking tough healthy steps.”
Get comfortable with your own anger. Admit you do get mad. There are varying degrees from a little to a lot… from bothered to outraged. Be ok saying, “I’m very upset that our new employee misrepresented himself and now I need to fire him.” Notice that when you avoid your angry feelings towards someone else, you often get angry with yourself instead. Don’t avoid angry feelings toward someone else and mistakenly turn them back on you. As your appropriate anger is expressed, you’ll discover your guilt feelings will go down.
If your guilt is coming from a legitimate mistake or failure, don’t avoid it; own it. Ask for forgiveness and make things right. We all need do-overs.
If you want to do yourself, your employees, your peers, and your family a big favor, be a guilt-free leader. You’ll see your performance change, your team change, and your organizational culture change.
Heidi Sadecky is a highly-trained executive coach with over 30 years of combined corporate and coaching experience. She helps her clients operate at a higher level, overcome workplace challenges and achieve measurable results.
She is an in-demand facilitator of the only Townsend Leadership Program, a unique and highly effective group coaching program located in the North East United States.
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